The past week has been… I lack the finesse of words to properly describe it. Writer that I am, and pressed as I am to express, I do not know that I contain within me the necessary spark of brilliants to articulate the wild ride that was this past week. This may be one of my longest entries, and I promise if you bear with it that you shall be stunned as I am. I promise to include pretty pictures to keep you entertained as well!
Most of this started on August 7th, 2017, but I suppose there are parts that happened before that. Today is Monday, August 14th. One week. One week of nonstop communication.
The Crystal Q&A Sessions
It is all kind of running together, to be honest, but I believe it started with me signing up for an online crystal question and answer summit through a website that I won’t name here for reasons. Despite not being a fan of the site because it comes across to me as a glorified, fluffy bunny approach to spiritual practice and crystals, there were interviews with some individuals that I do respect (and those that I found just as ridiculous and money scheming as others).
Each day there was an interview with an “expert” in the crystal field that the host would ask questions to. Some of the information was really inspiring. Some of it was flat. This lead me down the dark hole of exploring various “Crystal Healer Certification” sites, only to discover that a majority of them charged over $1000 for a certification that has no actual accreditation program legally in the U.S. This, and the fact that ALL of these programs featured perfectly made up women in yoga poses bedazzled in crystals and selling the concept of “crystal tonics for beauty” and “love crystals” basically pissed me off.
Come Wednesday, the 9th, I felt I was in the midst of some sort of spiritual reboot, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the message I was supposed to be getting was. I had, however, seen a spider once on my windshield sometime in the previous days, a totem that has always appeared to tell me to work on my novel. Sure enough, when questioned, the spider would tell me to work on my novel (something I’ve yet to do).
Back to the crystals… Somewhere in here, something clicked and I decided to make my own crystal classes. This was on Thursday, August 10th. The overboard, forced shininess of the classes offered online and the claims of making people mystics and healers for hundreds of dollars just wasn’t sitting well and I couldn’t seem to let it go. I sat down to do a reading.
Crystal Business Oracle Reading
The reading was intended to tell me what I needed to know about starting a crystal business.
For this reading, I asked the question, “What do I need to know about starting my own crystal healing business/class.”
Oooh boy. Here we go. I was using Judy Hall’s “The Crystal Wisdom Healing Oracle.” Now, I don’t normally use oracle decks – but, Crystals!!! I lit up a few candles and put some crystals around me that I normally use.
1) My Ego – Restricted views, desires, or fears
Rhodozite – Dis-ease from past lives or emotional wounds. Negative thought patterns.
Okay, so I am restricted by my fear of the past – the emotional wounds I’ve faced at the hands of my lover(s) in particular, and negative thought patterns of not being enough.
2) Value – What I value in life
Bloodstone – Perseverance. Being strong and free.
Alright – makes sense. I’ve always valued being able to push on and forward.
3) Skills – My positive attitude
Flint – Profound inner depths. Connection to the shamanic underworld for healing insights.
Yes, I’ve typically had the ability to do shamanic journey work for healing, and I am aware I’ve got some pretty profound “depths” when it comes to my emotions.
4) Deficits – Lessons not yet learned, outdated views
Purpite – Stuck in past – need to be open to new ways to heal.
Wait a second… I thought I was reading about starting a crystal business… But, this is spot on. I do need to be open to new ways to healing, and I am absolutely stuck in my past which is outdated…
5) Credits – Riches or lessons of my path
Moldavite – Metamorphoses is possible. Harmony can exist on all levels.
Well, I know this to be true, but how do I get there now?
6) Life path – New Path (alright, here comes the stuff about the business, right!?)
Brandenburg Amethyst – Aim for the highest and embrace the future. Let go of what doesn’t serve.
Wait, this sounds again like don’t hold on to the past… *Flips through book to make sure every card doesn’t lean that way and have the same sort of message. It doesn’t.* I take this to mean if I can move towards the future, I can do what I want.
7) Guides – Guides of the spirit or material world
Apatite – My own intuition. Discern the truth within.
So, I’m my own guide? Okay…
8) Soul – All you are in a higher dimension.
Soulmate – Unconditional, mutually supportive union.
*Heavy sigh.* My partner and I are twin flames, a reality that has been at times as exceedingly painful as it is entirely magical. And it is my soul. My soul is literally the pair to his soul and his soul is the pair to my soul. We are the same spark.
I pause. How does this relate to my business? And then, it hits me. I can’t do a damned thing the way I am, hanging on to the past like a child to its mother in a flood. I have to let go. Embrace the wave. Realize my full potential on my own. Only then will I get any sort of clarity on how to move forward with the specifics of business and classes and so on.
With all this in mind, I ask the cards if they have any messages for me as to how to move forward and begin to let go of the past. I asked specifically for a crystal I could use, hold, and work with PHYSICALLY to help me through this time. I pull a card: Menalite. A crystal I have never seen before.
“Menalite has a profound connection with Earth, the wise feminine and priestess power. It marks rites of passage through womanhood to wisdom,” says Judy Hall’s guide in the oracle deck. “Put aside your fear and remember that transitions are necessary prerequisites for growth.”
I feel quite honestly stumped. What transition do I need to go through? As I sit here writing this now, it occurs to me that it is literally painfully right in front of my face: let go of the Gods-damned past. Move on. Stop. Be the woman I am meant to be. Embrace the divine feminine in the card.
But, in the moment, I just sort of wrinkled my brows and read about the crystal in some other books. According to Judy Hall’s Crystal Bible 2, menalite helps enhance divination, reconnects us to the wise feminine, helps conduct rites of passage, and is useful for rebirth. On other notes, it helps with shamanic journey work and connecting to mother earth. Sounds good, right?
Moving On From Here
I call the crystal & rock shop that I have locally, a wonderful place called Earthly Elements, and left a message asking if they could call me back to let me know if they had any menalite. I was going to be going into town the next day to have lunch with my partner and a new spiritual friend, so I figured I could drop in to get that.
After I was finished pulling that card, I asked if the deck had any more messages for me. It said it did. I used my pendulum to narrow down what sort of information it might want to give me, and determined it wanted to give me messages about healing in general – sort of things to keep in mind. I pulled four cards. The messages were: Be my true self, remember and recognize that every soul is precious, attune to my divine self, and remember that: as above, so below; as without, so within.
Round Two: Start!
The next morning, I decided to pull another crystal card to see what my message was for the day.
I stare at it. I laugh. I’d shuffled well and pulled a card from the center. Okay, I get it universe. You really want me to be working on the feminine wisdom thing and all that jazz. I was still stumped on what this meant, though the answer was clearly right in front of me.
That day as I was leaving to go get lunch and head to the crystal shop, I saw another spider on the ground. I asked it what it wanted me to work on (I give directions such as, if you want me to work on X, move left. If you want me to work on Y, move right. If you want me to work on Z, move up. etc). It AGAIN told me to work on my novel.
Okay. When the heck am I going to work on my novel (I still haven’t and suspect if I don’t, things might start to get REALLY hairy).
I head into town and have lunch with my partner and friend, S (male). I end up talking about the idea of my crystal program and how important it is to me to experience the work on my own before starting the class. I come up with some ideas, start doing research, and pitch the ideas past them. We have a great conversation on the metaphysical community in general and how there seem to be two groups: those that want an easy, fluffy, pretty path, and those that want to get covered in dirt, burnt up in metaphorical fires, and generally have their soul ripped out. We fell into the latter category and were struggling with looking out at a society that seems so attached to the first.
I head over to the crystal shop after because they called to let me know they had ONE menalite left. Dear Goddesses, this menalite when he gave it to me – I was immediately in love. My hands drank it in, touching its supple curves. I instantly felt feminine and somehow undeniably sexy in all my soft, lumpy curves for the stone was just like that.
I also picked up a new pendulum, a black tourmaline, a selenite rod to make a chakra wand with, and a BEAUTIFUL chunk of celestite. I then went to another friend’s, C’s, house to make hair feather’s for my partner’s birthday.
Preparing for the Party
The next morning, I connected a bit with my new menalite by doing a sort of crystal connection exercise, which I may review in another post. It wasn’t what I wanted, so I ended up just tucking it into my bra and sitting with it for the most of the day.
I then ran around shopping and such, as well as prepping for my partner’s birthday (goodness that was a bit of a mad day now that I think about it). In fact, trying to look back, I can’t remember half of the things that happened because it was so crazy. I do know that after baking a cake, shopping, getting balloons, and going to my friend K’s house to help clean for the surprise birthday party (and Perseid shower party), I was pooped.
The Moon & Arianrhod
Somewhere around this time, I started to sense that I was REALLY wanting to connect with a Goddess called Arianrhod. She is associated with a white owl, spiders, and the moon. I’d had a song by Damh the Bard called Lady of the Silver Wheel stuck in my head for a while now.
Did I mention…? No, I didn’t… That during all of this week, I had become increasingly more obsessed with the moon! That’s exactly it. The full moon in Leo was August 7th – the time when all this started, and it was like something ignited in me even though I didn’t realize it at the time. It also randomly started me spotting, which lead me down the path of researching “The Red Tent,” magic associated with women and the moon cycle (something that came up BEFORE I drew the menalite card). I digress… Arianrhod is also associated with the moon and the night sky.
At the birthday party/meteorite party, I ended up jamming out with my partner’s band, Kindred Crow. It was honestly a magical experience as I let lose and let the drums flow through me. I embraced my feminine power, even for just a small time. I also spoke with others about the crystal work I wanted to do and got some good feedback and affirmation. It was all around a good night.
Oh, but I forgot to mention. I’m night blind. At one point, I needed to get up to go inside and so I grabbed my phone to use as a flashlight. As I turned it on, pointing it down so as to not blind everyone else, sitting no less than three inches from my crossed legs was a momma spider with an egg sac looking like a full moon on her abdomen.
Okay. Go on your way Miss Spider. I see you. Three spiders in a week…
It’s All Coming Together
Sunday, August 13th, was just a storm of OKAY UNIVERSE I GET IT.
I did some crystal grid work on my partner first thing in the morning, intuitively selecting the stones and then checking their meanings later. I was spot on. Unfortunately and fortunately, the grid worked – but it had some unintended side effects. He’d asked for emotional healing, but I also ended up detoxing him from his night of heavy whisky drinking. 😉 Nevertheless, it was good affirmation that I could do the work.
First Sunday Reading & Another #3
Later in the day, I asked my partner to do a reading for me on what transition I needed to go through in order to fully embrace my femininity. The reading was honestly hard to follow and left me and him staring at it in wonder a bit. Looking back, and after the events that unfolded later, it all made sense. See the reading done for my by both my partner and friend, “S,” here!
As my partner was reading, I decided to pull another of my crystal cards – what message do I need? What card do I get? You guessed it! MENALITE. I threw my hands up. I had LITERALLY looked at the menalite on the top of the deck and deliberately cut it to shuffle it into the middle, and then continued shuffling for several more minutes. When I was ready to pull the card, one fell out. I felt it to make sure it was a single card, not a cluster, and… It was the menalite again. Three menalites in a week…
My partner’s reading was a bit confusing at first, but again, looking back it all makes sense. The question was: What transition do I need to go through? He used a faery oracle deck, and I won’t break down each of the cards here, but these were the general messages.
I need to be ready to stand on my own when the time comes – and basically don’t create situations I cannot back up. This, to me, means don’t lie. Be who I am (a lesson from my earlier healing reading where it said by my true self). Be aware. Stop and listen. Be attentive or I will lose connection (every soul is precious; recognize it from the crystal reading). View my journey with strength and courage – channel unconditional love as my love is a heroic force. Love others and the earth (also a message about how every soul is precious). My challenge was to pay attention and not jump to conclusions.
In the center of the reading was the “overall answer to the question.” Lo and behold, it was a card with no book meaning. Instead, the fairies have expressions on their faces that read, “You already know the answer to this question.” In the moment, my response was, “Like f*** I do,” but once again… Now it all makes sense.
The final card was a warning. Guess what the warning was? Don’t be obsessed with the past.
Being that I wasn’t ready to interpret the cards as they were truly trying to communicate with me, I did what the cards warned me not to do and jumped to conclusions. I won’t go into great details about what, but it had to do with part of my past and a belief that I am not good enough to inspire monogamy in a partner. I ended up crying uncontrollably until we left to head over to our friends’ S&S’s house for a cookout and band practice with Kindred Crow.
Sunday Reading #2
After dinner, I had agreed to help teach male S about pendulum reading. In return, he was going to do a tarot and ogham reading for me. As the band had played, I had done some pendulum work myself as well as journaled about embracing the divine feminine. It had lead me to seek clarity on the reading from my partner with a different, potentially less biased, perspective.
I asked the same question I asked to my partner: What transition do I need to go through right now?
The reading went as follows:
I’ve brought to the table partnership, clear headedness, and a happy home. THIS is a true depiction of what my divine femininity has looked like in the past [2 and 10 of Cups].
From here, my obstacle is to keep moving forward and don’t stop (which later brought up a sort of not letting the past get in my way again). Looking back at the meaning of this card post reading, I also take from it that I need to consult with others such as my therapist and continue my spiritual practices [4 of Swords].
What I say I want is for my partner to be able to “do what he wants,” and be rebellious, un-loyal, and uncommitted to me, which is very much an image of the past [Knight of Wands] but what I really want is, I kid you not, the Lovers card, an ideal union that invites true connection.
The advice to go through the transition was to consider what brought me here in the first place, and to move towards creating the connection I want. [Six of Cups]. This card also has to do with integrating memory and reunion. This could be to literally let go of the past that doesn’t serve me. In the DruidCraft book, it says, “At the level of the heart, linear time ceases to exist. Instead, past and present merge and there is only love…” S invited me to look back on why I originally fell in love with my partner before the pain. In this case, I need to go back to that and keep what serves, release what doesn’t.
S also picked up on a message of threes (three areas of study), so he encouraged me to pick three topics to study moving forward during this transition.
The practical future card, Knight of Pentacles, was interpreted by S that through the transition, I would become a more secure person and move towards wholeness in my relationship, though I will not be entirely there yet. Looking at my DruidCraft again, it indicates a practical, patient, and methodical approach to a “project,” which could be my transition. I need to be realistic, but sensuous and passionate.
Throughout the whole reading was the concept that I cannot go through this transition alone, and that on some level this is as emotional as it is intellectual. There is some aspect(s) that must be partnered, and that partner is the one I have. I may also need to do more work with my therapist or other spiritual guides.
As S was reading, several messages came up to me: I am enough in my femininity. It is okay to say no. It is okay to be enough.
Sunday Reading #3
After S was done reading the tarot, he threw down three Ogham. In order to “legitimate” the reading for himself, he told himself that if it was meant to be, he would draw the Saille Ogham (willow). He stood in the center of the room and threw three ogham to the floor after reaching into the bag blind:
Ivy (Gort); Hazel (Coll); and Willow (Saille).
Welp, Universe. We’re reading you loud and clear. Get this, Ivy has to do with tenacity. Never giving up (that sounds like something from the tarot reading, now, doesn’t it? My obstacle.) The hazel represents inspiration from a higher source, and tells the story of the salmon who ate 9 hazelnuts of wisdom (3+3+3 = 9). It encourages NIGHT magic and things done subtly or in darkness (moon magic anyone?)
And finally, Willow: the divine feminine. Divination. The “White Goddess.” Owl. Water. Intuition. Ceridwen (who is the Welsh version of Brigid, my patron) and… Arianrhod.
S and I talked this reading out and he shared some of his observations and suggestions with me. Water, west, and cups were a major theme in both readings, so I should attune to those things. I need to try and press myself to keep up with daily rituals to connect to my spirituality in some way. I also need to listed to my inner wisdom and remember that it comes from above. Finally, he suggestion I make contact with Arianrhod, despite my nervousness about reaching out to a Goddess I did not feel had specifically contacted me (though… Thinking about it a sudden obsession with the moon, three cards telling me to connect to the divine feminine (which Arianrhod represents), and three spiders, maybe she is doing what I’ve always asked for and communicating through signs. This has certainly been a lesson in listening.
We’ve Finally Reached Today!
Monday, August 14th, I woke and read some of my Brigid book. Oddly, the section I had left off in over a year ago was the Brigid as a warrior Goddess. On Saturday, at the party, we had discussed how so many of us are being called to warrior paths… Just a little bit of fun universe screaming at me facts there.
Anyway, I attempted to journey to talk to Arianrhod, shape-shifting into a snowy owl and flying up to the Upperworld. I decided to get her three gifts, which I had not chosen prior to the journey, nor did I know their symbolism until looking them up just now: I chose wheat harvested during the full moon (apparently a symbol of Goddess energy and fertility; two of Arianrhod’s domain); a silver bracelet (which apparently enhances moon water and is used in magic); and a large piece of moonstone (which, when a silver bracelet is combined with moonstone, is great for prophecy and dream work). Dear Gods, this fits.
I tried to meet with her, but apparently I was not ready because she met me outside her large castle with a full moon atop it and took the gifts, but then I fell asleep.
Later in the day, I ended up doing another crystal grid for a friend (K) and looking up the meanings afterwards. Once again, I picked fairly appropriate stones for the job.
Late in the evening, I decided to try another round of journey work and managed not to fall asleep. In a nutshell, I went in and dug a hole in the earth using my new crystal wand I made and went down into the underworld. I met with Komodo, but I feel like it was in a different spot than usual. I didn’t drop into the pool of blood like normal. I sort of just arrived on the bank of his cave.
I told him that I wanted him to lead me to whoever I needed to meet in order to come more in touch with my femininity. As if intuitively, I sensed an owl outside of the cave and Komodo took me to her. Her name was something like Aynu and she was a snowy owl sent from Arianrhod. We started walking/flying through the nearby forest and talking. She gave me several tasks.
The first was to paint a night sky. The second was to make a crystal elixir tonight and drink it in the morning. The third was to do a reading for what my three spiritual focuses should be right now. The fourth was to journey tomorrow evening in a crystal grid to meet and speak with Arianrhod.
Once awaking, I went to paint and ended up being drowned out in a storm. I still finished the work and it wound up being very interesting. I then made my gem water (moonstone CANNOT be put directly in water for elixirs, FYI as it is toxic).
Finally, I sat down to do the reading about what three paths I should focus on as I move into my spiritual rebirth. As no deck has topical cards such as “Crystals” or “Shapeshifting,” I used Stephanie Pui-Mun Law’s Shadowscapes Tarot to pick out images that resonated with me for different topics. I then made a key. I picked some things I REALLY felt drawn to, and some things that might not be as preferable, but are on my to do list for some point in the future.
The key was as follows:
- The Lovers: Sacred Sexuality & Love Based Intuition
- The World: Crystal Work
- Queen of Swords: The Moon (in this deck she is beautiful with a crescent moon behind her head)
- The Wheel of Fortune: House Beautification
- The Hierophant: Tarot
- 7 of Cups: Journey Work
I also chose two cards to represent Brigid and Arianrhod, asking first which Goddess would be the predominant I should work with while trying to come fully into this transition and my femininity.
I used a pendulum to do this reading. First, I read for the presiding Goddess, shuffling super well. My pendulum swung a HUGE yes, so, I flipped that card over to find it was the Arianrhod card. I laughed. Of course.
Next, I read for which of the six topics should be my three. I shuffled, laid the cards out in no particular order, and then used the pendulum to get a sense of which ones I should pull. What I wanted to pull where the three I am most drawn to intellectually, and with the signs from the past week. The ones I wanted were: Sacred Sexuality, Crystals, and the Moon.
I pulled: Sacred Sexuality, Crystals, and the Moon.
That’s it guys. I’m out.
The universe is literally screeching at me, and I would be stupid not to listen to this call. Tomorrow I shall reflect more. Now, I sleep.