The scent of lavender and sage still hangs lightly in my nose, a pleasant one that I sense will become a long standing go to in my spiritual tool kit. The way the floral lingers with the heady, resonant sage is somehow sweet and mellow all at once. It reminds me, calls me back to what I am: a Druid.
There comes a time in every journey that is the start. The start for me was the acknowledgement of my resistance. For me, I needed to see first how hesitant I was to heal.
The second step was a healing crisis. Some of you may have heard of this concept before, but for those of you not familiar, it is in essence this: once you begin on the path to health, your body, mind, spirit, or every part of you may fight back. You might exercise for the first time in years and then become suddenly horribly sick; or start a new diet and then get so nauseous the only thing you can keep down is what you promised not to eat. You might find yourself in emotional duels with a partner or loved one who are trying to help you, and when you perceive their rejection to your sudden new “attitude,” you decided to give up on it all. Healing crises look different for everyone, but its that idea that just as soon as you think you’re “ready,” everything shows up to block your way.
That was me. I published my first post about my healing path twenty days ago. Then, I spent about 5 days continuing to resist which ended in using some emotional freedom technique (EFT tapping), followed by 5 days of crippling chest pain and the inability to breath. Damn.
After that, things really started to look up. I thought I’d overcome the hurdle. I exercised a little. Got more social. Did some things I’d been longing to do for a while. Went to a theme park with my partner and had zero health issues all day.
It was looking real promising.
This then launched me into one week of the most awful illnesses I’ve ever known. I say that dramatically, but in my remembered history, it is one of the worst. I go back to work tomorrow after a week out at the very end of my internship – a key time in finishing my goals.
The sickness started as a case of strep (or something awfully like it). My fever shot to 103 in the first night. I could not sleep because I could not swallow without my entire body jolting in pain. I was so cold at first I had on layers and several blankets. Then, I nearly fainted and had to strip everything. This transitioned into a sinus infection. Finally, the infection went to my eyes.
I was convinced, however momentarily, that I might actually die this time. Or, at the very least go blind. I hid the worst of it from my partner and friends, trying to contain my panic.
Today, I awoke for the first time in a week with a majority of the issues from the week gone, but a slew of knew ones. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep, I could not.
I spent my day busy. Busy trying to get caught up. Busy trying to feel normal. Busy trying to do things for other people to once again try and get back to a sense of “good enough” and “valued.”
It’s appropriate. I woke up this morning to an email from the Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids which I am a part of. I’ve attached it here:
This struggle place was hard. No longer afraid to heal, but not yet healed. No longer stuck, but not yet moving. No longer fully sick, but not yet better. It is the space between.
You see, the crisis came I folded. I have picked myself, struggling, back up. I’m going to move forward no matter the resistance. It’s just going to take me a little bit of time, and that’s okay.
I ended my day with a journey you can read here!