This is the fourth in a brief series of summaries and reviews of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
The Third Agreement – Don’t Make Assumptions
Summary: We make assumptions about everything. We end up believing they’re real. When we assume things, we take it personally, and we end up creating problems. Gossip is poison. Because we’re afraid to ask for clarification, we end up assuming. It is better to ask questions than to assume anything. We see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear without any basis in reality. If we don’t understand it, we assume, and when reality hits we are not sure how to take it.
Sometimes we assume our partner knows what we’re thinking because they know us so well. When we assume things about our partner, we end up with difficulties. No one knows how we think and feel unless we tell them. We have a fear of being ourselves around others because we fear they will reject us and judge us. It is because we reject and judge ourselves. Therefore we assume.
One of the greatest assumptions is: My love will change this person. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, it means we do not really love them.
Always ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. Have the courage to ask questions. We must find our right to ask for what we want. People can say yes or no. Just like we can say yes and no to others.
If we communicate honestly, openly, and ask questions, we become impeccable with our word. If we can have good clear communication, it can solve many of our problems. Action is what we need in order to strengthen our will, learn to communicate and to stop making assumption.
We must master our intent. What you need comes to you easily if spirit flows through you. Love and gratitude lead to personal freedom.
Review: The bits from this on relationships are quite helpful. It can be very easy to forget that our partner cannot read our mind. We assume they’ll treat us precisely how we want to be treated because we feel they know us very well. When they “fail” to treat us how we want to be treated, we feel hurt and upset. It’s not their fault, however, unless we tell them what we want.
Furthermore, we should never be with someone we want to change. If we want to change someone and they want to change us, then we are not actually in love with that person. We do not want to change people we really love, and they do not want to change us. Unconditional, pure love is necessary between two partners to really succeed, but so is good communication. We must communicate our thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. We should never assume our partner knows them, no matter “how well they know us.”